Start of the Spork War was not heralded by a flash point. No battalions of storm troopers crossed the border nor raided the border villages or towns. No, the war was in full fury and nobody really noticed. Like wind and rain erosion, no one noticed, and no one really cared until, BAM! there was the Grand Canyon.
Gun ownership in the US had been under attack for many years. Machine guns and crew served weapons were outlawed in the 1930’s as a reaction to “bootleggers” and organized crime that grew-up as an unintended consequence of “prohibition”. Yes, one could still own a machine gun, if one paid the $10,000.00 license fee, and agreed to allow unannounced and warrantless search of the property wherein the machine gun was kept. High fees and surrendering basic rights were too high a price for law abiding citizens beyond the serious gun collector, museums, and legitimate gun dealers. Criminals did not care. They paid no fees. Allowed no property searches. The guns became both a necessary part of their arsenal and sign of their power and resistance to authority.
Further erosion of citizens’ rights to own and use firearms came slowly. Banned concealed carry (unless specifically licensed). Banned pistols with magazines of more than 10 rounds. Banned all assault-type weapons. Required owners to undergo background checks before buying a firearm. All these small steps were in well-meaning reaction to community events, mass shootings at schools, malls, and concert venues. All these right thinking and well-meaning legislative constraints would eventually cause a fire storm of “unintended consequence” which would cause the implosion of the society they were intended to protect.
Tipping point for all these laws and restraints came not as a result of another mass fatality, rather as a politically motivated over reaction that caused the capitol of Washington DC to be closed and sealed off with fences, barbed wire, and National Guard troopers. As a single political party consolidated power. Their specific agenda came into focus. The agenda was to eliminate all possible challenges to their emergent power.
Citizen access to weapons that could possibly challenge their administration necessitated elimination. First, they closed off access to purchase of any firearm without a “background” evaluation which included psychological analysis. No “private sales” were allowed. All sales must be through a “Federally licensed” firearm dealer. The dealer licenses were only allowed to be held by persons who actively supported the political party and administration’s agenda. Slowly, ownership requirements became more stringent.
Eventually all firearms to citizens were outlawed. To prove the “rightness” of this legislation statistics on murder rates by firearms showed a definite drop across the country. Murder rates other than by firearms of course showed a dramatic up-tick. These statistics were at first ignored by the administration. As were statistics showing dramatic increases in home invasion robberies (up 174% in the first month) because citizens were no longer allowed firearms and the criminal element kept theirs.
The “unintended consequence”, of disarming the body politic, became a boon of easy pickings for scofflaws who used their kept weapons to prey on the public. Drastic and dramatic inflation of criminal activities in turn led to even more restrictive laws against ownership or control of firearms. It became illegal to own, keep, use, or brandish any, and all firearms. Police and the military had to relinquish all such weaponry. The laws tightened up to include all mechanisms which could project, launch, propel or otherwise cause a projectile to travel away from said mechanism towards a target. That would include everything from a BB gun to bows and arrows, crossbows, slingshots, and all firearms.
Taking another step, all such mechanisms are to be confiscated, collected, and destroyed forthwith. Beginning with regular citizens. Once it is established (or believed) that all such weapons held by civilians have been captured and destroyed, then all police forces will surrender and have destroyed their weapons. Following destruction of police force weapons, the military including reserve units, national guard units, and active, duty units, will surrender and have destroyed their weapons.
Taken out of context this seems absurd and extreme. The context in which we find these measures are a society in which all police forces are reduced in size and scope of operations. Courts have held that crimes against property will not be prosecuted unless in amounts greater then $5,000 per incident. Arrested persons will not be held for bail, they are released on their own recognizance at time of arraignment. Beyond this, the stated US Foreign Policy is to be a kinder gentler nation posing no threat to our friends. The US in this context has no enemies. An unarmed military cannot pose a threat. Of course, the “unintended consequence” is a nation defenseless, a citizenry without police protection, criminal elements without fear of prosecution for their actions. A recipe for disaster exists.
In truth, as weapons are destroyed and fewer are available to any person or group, murder by these mechanisms drops. Murder rates over all remain about the same. Blunt force trauma, knife attacks, poison (gas and solid, and fluid), arson, and every other creative way to hurt, maim, and kill grew exponentially. Mass murders increased. Attacks against schools, shopping malls and entertainment venues increased. Attacks against transportation systems really increased.
Laws were enacted to outlaw anything that could be used for “blunt force”. This included baseball bats, hockey sticks, wrenches, tools, chairs, and stools. All such items became controlled substances. Team sports needing such items were either banned or could be played under highly controlled circumstances. Items like baseball bats could be checked out from the controlled cage only by “certified” controllers. To ensure the controllers could be trusted, they needed background checks and specified training provided by the Federal Government. Additional laws tried to eliminate or at least control the ownership and use of edged weapons, poisons, and other apparently hazardous items.
Table ware, knives, forks, spoons made of metal were specifically prohibited to use, to own, to make. In their place the government authorized only the use of the SPORK for eating.
A combined spoon and fork appears to have been invented by Samuel W. Francis and issued US Patent 147,119, in February 1874. George Laramy of New Hampshire patented a ‘table utensil’ in 1907 and probably the best example of the merger gone horribly wrong.
We were subjected to many different versions of the utensil over the next 50 years. Although these previous efforts laid the groundwork for the modern, day SPORK, they were still overlooking one small detail, and probably the reason for the SPORK’S unexplainable longevity — the term ‘SPORK’ itself.
To prevent the SPORK from being weaponized, strict limits as to its manufacture were established. The Committee on SPORKs in the US House of Representatives allowed only one company to make, sell, distribute, and repair the SPORK. Following successful use in prison food service a combination of plastic and nylon materials were allowed. Length, width, and weight were set to allow for civilian food consumption. Police and the military were authorized to carry and use a larger version of the SPORK for personal protection and law enforcement. The SPORK could not be used offensively. If a police officer or member of the military or any such constabulary was found to use or try to use the SPORK as an offensive tools or weapon he or she would be punished to fullest extent of the laws.
The unintended consequence of this bit of legislation produced a society with a police force unable to arrest, detain, or prosecute any criminal; a police force ineffective in maintaining law and order, a criminal population unfettered by societal norms and laws. In short, it created a society without law and order.
Criminals had access to firearms, and all other means of inflicting pain and suffering on an increasingly defenseless civilian population. “Increasingly defenseless” equates to an increasingly lawless society.
Citizens unable to be protected by their government resorted to private security forces, communities behind sturdy walls, electric fences, gates, moats, and watch towers. Absent weapons for self-defense, wealthy and proactive citizens designed living spaces for limiting access. Not everyone had such abilities and were forced to exist in cities and towns of an increasingly lawless society.
Unable to protect themselves or their businesses, shop keepers and business owners fled the cities. Tax revenues dropped. City, state, and federal agencies became concerned.
Put this into context. The one-party administration had effectively eliminated the US two-party system through election manipulation. Based on the administration’s control of the voting process, no other political party could elect officials. There was no effective political opposition. This administrations agenda had two other significant issues: elimination of systemic racism; and redistribution of wealth.
Racism was reduced (in their minds) by eliminating obstacles for non-whites to succeed. In this endeavor, the Administration took several well-meaning actions. First, they made all Federal Regulations which required certification or licensing eliminate preconditions for non-white applicants. In other words, there was no training, study, or testing required to get a Federal Certificate or License. That meant airline pilots, structural engineers, Board Certified Medical Doctors etc. had only to “apply for” to be granted the powers and privileges of those certificates etc. White applicants were still required to have the requisite education, training and testing for these. Second, Federally Regulated banks and Insurance Companies were required to provide interest free loans and no cost insurance for non-white businesses. Additionally, non-whites were granted free advanced education at all colleges and universities. Private educational institutions were forced to comply by the threat of withholding all Federal funds, grants, and loans. Harvard University, and University of California Berkley campus embraced the idea and went above by refusing to admit any non-black applicant for a 10-year period. All faculty and employees who challenged or disagreed with these decisions were terminated. All other colleges and universities were quick to follow their example.
The additional unintended consequences of these actions sprouted a cottage industry of insurance fraud and banking defaults. In riot prone areas of inner cities non-white owned businesses would be looted and burned. Owners of these businesses would re-build after each riot, borrow from the banks for remodels and inventory and insure for 125% of the values. They would stock the renewed shelves with ghost products and flimsy displays which could be destroyed with ease by a cooperating mob. The mob would loot, burn, and destroy for a share of the non-white owner’s insurance money. The owner would default on the business loan and pocket funds not spent on the ghost inventory and fake furnishing of the rebuilt store or business. Very, successful non-white entrepreneurs would have their businesses looted regularly. Looters could not be prosecuted (if caught). Police were not effective in enforcement of the laws. As courts would not prosecute, police really had no incentive to get involved.
So, at the height of the SPORK WAR there was no law and order. People fleeing the cities sought refuge behind walls and self-protection strategies. Tax revenues began drying up.
The next strategy of the administration was to pay to non-whites and expressly blacks, reparations for slavery. Lacking funds to pay these reparations, a special “white privilege” tax was assessed to all “white” taxpayers. This special tax was 30% of the taxpayer’s net worth every year for 10 years.
The unintended consequences caused population flight out of the country. The associated brain drain from the US was a windfall gain for countries like Ireland and New Zealand. Within a few years these two tiny countries became economic dynamos.
Within five years, the US ceased to be a viable country. The government failed. The society deteriorated into mobs and rabble. The economy collapsed. The SPORK WAR ended not with celebratory parades and emotional reunions of soldiers and families. Rather it died with whimper of wind and rain erosion of a once powerful empire which imploded upon itself while trying to do the right things.